But only possibly.

Here's a conundrum for you.

I have a big dream in this life. Broadly it's to go to America - something I've always longed for but our family has enver financially been able to manage. More specifically, it's to travel Route 66 - even more out of my league than a tiny trip the US.

Now I've been promised a holiday to America no less than twice. My grandmother promised to take me to Florida and changed her mind and my Dad rashly promised to take me to New York and then confessed that he wouldn't be able to afford it. My dad has a nasty habit of doing this with all sorts of things, and after years of getting my hopes up and having them dashed, I finally begged him to stop promising me things he can't deliver. If he's going to do something big, tell me after it's booked so I don't get hurt again. 

But it's my 21st next March.

Yesterday my mum came over and asked 'could you get time off work and uni next March?'

Obviously I asked why and for how long.

She said that she and dad are planning to send me on a two week coach tour of Route 66, starting in Chicago and ending in LA, going through Alberquerque, Oklahoma, Las Vegas, Grand Canyon, etc. Truly a 100% dream trip - especially when you consider that I've never even been on a plane before. It's the sort of thing I would never have been able to afford in ten years.

So determined was I to not be hurt, I basically said 'sounds great but I won't hold my breath' and forgot about it. I didn't even register it until I got into bed last night and thought WTF? Did she actually mean that?

I asked the next day and the details came out. Mum and Dad wanted to apologise for the series of truly awful Birthdays I had (not their fault but still bad - I've had flu twice, spent two of them suffering depression, we got evicted on my 15th, my 18th was spent visiting not one, but two terminally ill relatives, my 19th was sad because my mum was suffering depression after the loss of her parents, and my 20th was sad because I'd lost my last grandparent three weeks before and I still had to work it- plus my dad spent my entire birthday meal complaining because he didn't like the resurant and had a sore tooth).

So for them to come up with this is almost asking for trouble. I've demanded all the details - where the money is coming from, etc. Turns out it's all on the sale of my parents house - a woman set on buying it, but can I really trust on that with the market the way it is?

I'm really upset now - thinking of the potential for heartbreak this has. I think this would outweigh any sadness from my last birthdays - to wake up on my 21st knowing that my biggest dream has been crushed by people who love me.

Don't get me wrong - the won't do it on purpose. I get the sense that mum is determined to make up for before and will do anything - even sell her inherited Cameo (I definately wouldn't want that). But I know my dad too well - he wants to please so badly that his sense goes out of the window and it would be easy for him to talk mum into thinking things are fine.

Anyway. I'm now talking about trip in hypotheticals. "If I go to America...If I go on a plane...If I go (and I'm not saying I will) then I..."

Who knows, in 6 months I might be posting pics of the Grand Canyon up here.
But I'm not holding my breath.

I'm not an optimist by any means, but I have decided to start a birthday plan. THIS IS NOT A HOLIDAY PLAN. It's a plan that will put me at a place I want to be on my 21st regardless of where I am:

Savings Aim (either for trip or big birthday spree): £500
Savings Achieved: £42
What I'm Doing: Saving £12 per week from wages, putting £200 of my student loan in when I get it, selling my dresser for a cheaper model, selling unwanted DVDs/Books, etc.

Weight Aim: 9 st 10 (18 pound loss)
Current Weight: 11 st 0
What I'm Doing: Continuing at Slimming World. Staying strong over holidays. Doing 30 mins exercise wednesday and fridays, swimming mondays, and 15 mins every evening the rest of the week.

Growing My Nails Aim: Long nails.
Current Nails: Short and broken due to weakness.
What I'm Doing: Painting them every night with strengthening stuff, stopping biting them again.

Growing Hair Aim: 42 cm
Current Length: 32 cm (measuring my hair - weirdest thing I've ever done)
What I'm Doing: Er, nothing. Washing it, brushing it, not dying it stupid colours, and not cutting it more than a trim. I just wanted one thing on here that will happen no matter what.